


when i’ve got nothing but my aching soul

by LesbianLucretia



Category: Half-Life
Genre: A Moment of Rest, Confessions, M/M, Mute Gordon Freeman, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 11:13:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25968697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LesbianLucretia/pseuds/LesbianLucretia
Summary: A quiet moment. Gordon and Barney figure things out.
Relationships: Gordon Freeman/Barney Calhoun
Comments: 14
Kudos: 260





	when i’ve got nothing but my aching soul

**Author's Note:**

> finally played thru all the hl games (except alyx cus im poor :[ ) and god. shit. freehoun hits different.

Barney and Gordon get a moment alone. Its brief and aching and all they can do is just sit side by side and rest. 

Barney is sitting next to gordon and just resting, and his mind is working overtime. He doesnt have to direct Gordon anywhere else, he doesnt have to fight for his and others’ lives. He can just rest. He can just sit and think and god is he thinking.

Gordon is breathing heavy and slow, his head tilted back and his eyes closed. Barney watches him and is nearly overcome with the desire to reach out, move his hand just a little closer, close enough to grab Gordon’s hand but he cant because. Because.

(Because it’s been 20 years. Because he’s got silvers and crows feet. Because Gordon looks the same age he did when they first met. Because he saw the confusion in Gordon’s eyes when he pulled off his mask. Because he’s not brought it up, brought _them_ up, not said a damn thing.)

(Because Barney knows how to take a hint.)

He looks at him instead, eyes dragging across his face, and sees how tired he looks. He’s got that look— the bone-deep, aching exhaustion evident all over his face. The kind that makes it hard to even sleep. The kind that Barney sees across Eli’s face, Kleiner’s face, hell even his own reflection.

“Gordon,” he rasps, voice thick with something he can barely parse. “I… are you doing alright?”

Gordon opens those deep green eyes and looks at him. He frowns, tilts his head, and gives him a look. Barney huffs out a laugh and rubs the back of his neck. “Yeah… stupid question, I guess.” He murmurs, looking away. “Just… humor me?”

Gordon smiles. A half-smile, tired and sour but barney hadn’t seen him smile in… God knows how long. All those cheesy romance novels really got it right because it makes him breathe easier. Makes the weight in his chest feel less oppressive and more comforting. 

“I’m doing the best I can,” Gordon signs, movements jerky. His hands are shaking almost imperceptibly but its just enough that it makes barney want to surge forward and hold them, letting Gordon ground himself on Barney. “Considering… everything.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” Barney tilts his head, holding up a hand in a mock cheers motion. Gordon mimics him. “But, really, gordon. I ain’t gonna push you but… I know there’s gotta be more rattling ‘round in that head of yours.”

Gordon sighs silently and rubs at his eye under his glasses. He takes a second, gathering his thoughts. Gordon’s always needed more time than others to really get what people were saying to him and respond. It’s never been a problem. 

“I am… scared.” Gordon admits slowly. Deliberating his words as he signs them. “about a lot of things.”

“What kinda things?” Barney asks.

Gordon sets his jaw, brow furrowing, his eyes pointedly staring at the concrete. “The Combine. The plan failing. People getting hurt on my watch.” He pauses, glancing up for just a second, meeting Barney’s eyes before looking away again. “...You.”

It’s Barney’s turn for his brows to furrow. “... _Me_?” he asks, frowning. “You’re scared of _me_?”

Gordon shakes his head rapidly, signing an explanation. “No, not _of_ you. _About_ you.”

“...Huh? _About_ me?” Barney smiles but it’s confused and bittersweet. “Gordon, I think might have a concussion, ‘cause you’re not making much sense, d—“ he cuts himself off immediately. He was about to say the one thing he’s been trying so hard not to say.

“No, it’s…” Gordon struggles to find the right way to say it. Barney watches helplessly as Gordon starts to say something but then freeze in the middle of the word, waving it away until he can find another but no, that’s not right either.

“Gordon, just…” Barney sighs. “Just spit it out, will ya? You’re killing me, here.”

Gordon purses his lips. He clenches his hands and relaxes them again. “Okay,” he signs, and turns his whole head away from Barney, like he was trying to hide his face. “Okay, just. Let me down easy, please.”

Barney doesn’t have time to even think about what that means, let alone respond, before Gordon is rambling with his hands.

“I’m scared about you. About us. Because I’m still in love with you. I love you and you don’t love me and I don’t know what that means. You haven’t said anything about it and it scares me— _terrifies_ me. I thought it would be easier to just ignore it because it’s been 20 _years_ , of course you’ve moved on, but… but it’s not easier. It’s so fucking _hard_.” 

Barney can’t breathe. Gordon still isn’t looking at him. “And I’m scared about bringing it up because I don’t know how I’m _ever_ going to be able to cope with you rejecting me ontop of everything else. I don’t… just. Please, if anything, just be kind. _Please_.”

Gordon signs the last one shakily, his hands very visibly shaking now. He lets them fall into his lap, clenching them tight. He still, still doesn’t look.

“Look at me,” Barney whispers. Gordon hunches his shoulders stubbornly. “Please. _Please_ look at me, darlin’.” 

Gordon slowly, like molasses dripping off a spoon, looks at him. Meets his eyes. Barney can’t breathe, the weight in his chest choking him. He reaches up and cups Gordon’s face with his hands.

“Humor me?” Barney chokes out, and Gordon’s eyes go wide. He nods. And Barney tilts his head and presses his lips to Gordon’s. 

It’s chaste and quick, Barney’s not one to to push his luck farther than he already has, but he’s only pulled away for a second when Gordon’s surging forward and kissing him back. It’s completely different, the second one. Hard and desperate, Gordon reaches up and threads his fingers in Barney’s hair and Barney tugs him closer, closer.

They both pull away but not that far, resting their foreheads against each other. They breathe, and Barney’s a big enough man to admit that he starts to cry. Not sobbing, but a couple tears slip down his face and his breath hitches dangerously.

“I thought. I thought it was _me_ ,” Barney admits wetly. “I thought _you_ didn’t want me. Not like this. Not all… crotchety and grey.” Gordon just shakes his head and presses his fingers against the back of his neck, pulling him in closer somehow. His eyes are more green than Barney remembered. 

Gordon uses his free hand to sign something. “Always want you. Always.”

“God, _Gordon_ ,” Barney’s grinning, another tear falling. “Fuck. I _love_ you. Never stopped. Don’t know how I ever _could_ —“ Gordon kisses him again and they’re both crying, he realizes. Gordon leans forward and rests his head on Barney’s shoulder, shoulders shaking as he cries silently. 

(Gordon’s always cried silently, choking down sobs and clinging to whatever he could. Digs his fingers into Barney’s clothes hard enough to make his knuckles ache and silences his cries well enough to give himself a headache.)

Barney’s no better. He finds places on the HEV suit he can hold onto and pulls Gordon as close to him as possible. It’s uncomfortable and there’s a pinch in his side but Barney doesn’t ever want to let go. He just holds Gordon close and murmurs promises in his ear. 

“I _love_ you, darlin’.” He says, nearly sobs.

Gordon holds him tighter and makes a gesture against his back, a single hand sign. Barney recognizes it without even having to look.

“I love you. I love you. I love you.” Gordon repeats, burying his face in Barney’s shoulder.

It’s enough for now. It’s more than enough. They can talk later, they can worry later, they can fight for their lives and the well being of the human race later. 

Right now, they can just be here, in each other’s arms.


End file.
